from blah to beautiful in a day

You know those days when you feel like blah for no reason?  Except there are reasons?  This sort of day happened to me recently. I was missing my family like cray.  I'm still in transition so everyday feels like I'm a tester for roller coasters, and people are showing me who they are and for better or worse, I am believing them. I've recently realized and accepted the fact that sometimes our hearts intertwine and stay that way forever just because. Other times, we fully face and seek to embrace the reality that shelf lives, seasons, and expiration dates are for real. Another reason that propelled me into blah-dom: In the same night, I experienced euphoric heights of love and connection with my tribe, and then somehow crash landed into a desolate island where foolishness had gone to seed and taken root. The juxtaposition was a jarring yet poignant reminder of what I choose to embrace and that which I can entertain no longer...

All of these feelings were a cocktail of contrasting emotions.  Sitting on top of my own turbulent heart sensations were the tough situations of folks I love and adore.  It was all too much and I woke up with a sense of drowning in overwhelm. Flying down the highway I said a whine of a prayer that went something like this: Please help.  Everything feels so harsh right now.  Like it's all too much and I am not feeling the love. The very thing I thought would heal me has brought me undone. It feels like I cannot sense love and beauty anymore.  Open my eyes and help me see.  Help, help, help. 

I floundered and felt bottomed out emotionally for a few hours, but I kept pushing through--on the verge of tears--taking one step at a time.  A phone call from my favorite uncle was the first sign.  His call was the lifter of my head.   We talked for hours and it was food to my soul. Food.  To my soul, yall.  Monarch butterflies were the next omen.  All day, everywhere I went, they fluttered nearby and made my heart leap.  Their orange wings brought me hope for the present moment.  Even Neighbor was involved without knowing.  She rounded out the trifecta when she so lovingly ran an errand for me.  I didn't ask or expect her to yet she *always* does things like this for me; however, on this particular day, she delivered a loving message from the librarian. Her exact words that echoed in my heart: You are loved by even librarians. 

God's answer was undeniable: See the beauty and feel the love because it is SO there.  

Earth Angels are real yall! 

The day could have ended right there for me because I truly received the message and my heart was full; however, "my cup runneth over" when my doorbell rang and a true Earth Angel was standing on my porch with the most glorious bouquet I have EVER seen. Blow me away, sweet Baby Jesus.  We talked, took a ride together, and then talked some more.  Just being with Earth Angel undid the crash landing, unraveled the overwhelm, and healed another little piece of my heart.  Friends, there is hope for the present moment.  May you see the beauty and feel the love.  May your overwhelm come undone and your heart receive sweet healing.  If you need a sign, just ask. Surely it will come (tweet it).

   

leave room for yourself

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your joys, your hopes, your dreams

those moments that make your heart flutter

the activities that set your soul free

leave room for yourself to 

enjoy

explore

learn

evolve

and grow

kiss your life 

daily

because

it is a good life

really

too often we lose ourselves

in our job

title

or family role

enjoy the many hats you wear

just remember to change into 

your favorite cap often

smile

laugh

giggle

do what you love

always 

always 

always

leave room for yourself.  

imbalanced hope

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Sometimes I have this.  Imbalanced hope.  I keep showing up with a smile even though that situation or individual has kicked me in the teeth seventeen times.  All seventeen times that I have shown up.  Kicked in the teeth... every time. Well, maybe it was only sixteen times, but either way, the ratio is unfavorable and at the very least, I should be showing up with a mouthguard and headgear.  

What is funny about abusers teeth kickers is that they seem to get off on treating the people they love like crap.  I have had the honor privilege painful experience ... I have been able to observe this ridiculousness  first hand for almost fifteen years.  *cue violin* 

In a nutshell, it's painful to behold or experience and it sucks because the relationship is a one way highway to hell where you give and give and give and it's never ever ever reciprocated.  There are moments that at first glance seem to be reciprocation, but once again, it's a swift, hard kick to the pearly whites.  I don't know if these people/situations are psychotic, narcissistic or what exactly... and I'm done trying to figure it out really because it's their problem, not mine.  And, I have mucho bien amigos.  Mucho, mucho bien amigos who inspired me to write this post about the ways to be a fab friend.  This past weekend, I got to live out the awesomeness of fab friends at a reunion of sorts via wedding with some of my college pals who are equal parts hilarious, loving, honest and utterly amazing. It was heaven on earth and I will share *some* of that soonish...  But for now, back to the craycray peeps...  Dealing with them is downright dastardly and devilish and I have the scars and dental bills to prove it.  *violin solo ends*

So, in trying to find the healthy ground between showing up for a teeth kicking (again... hopefully not... this time could be different is how it usually goes in my head) or showing up dressed to play goalie for the hockey team (which makes me feel protected, but looks downright cray),  I realized this: my hope was never supposed to be in the person/situation anyway.  Duh.com.  My hope is supposed to be in my higher power, the one who is greater than I, the Creator of this world, the universe... all that is seen and unseen.  How did I forget that (again)? So as I take off the goalie uniform, I realize: my hope is and always will be imbalanced if it's resting on anything other than the divine, the spiritual or the miraculous.  Anytime I hedge myself on anything else, I am instantly bolted into imbalance and who wants to feel dizzy and out of sorts all the time?  Not me. Let's place our hope in the One who created the butterfly and the Milky Way, shall we? The One who holds the world in His hands so to speak.  The One who keeps it all in check by managing (read: balancing) the tension and sorting out the proportions.  Whenever I come to this realization, one of my favorite prayers comes to mind: 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.  Taking as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.  Trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will, so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next.  Amen.  

There was a time when that prayer pissed me the hell off, but that was then and this is now.  And now, that prayer and my belief in it are synonymous with one thing:  balance.  

XO Sharita

foolywank friday: everything is easy #lie

Pretending like life is easy.  Why do we do it?  Why do we lie to ourselves and others saying everything is all good when it isn't? Sometimes life delivers a tough and swift kick to the gut; other times life delivers a huge bouquet right on our doorstep.  My point today is this:  when life is tough... and at some point it will be because the struggle is inevitable... reach out to someone you can trust and let them know what's up.  We all need encouragement and support on the regular, but during the tough times, we need it even more.  

Stop pretending like _______ isn't hard.  


Fill in the blank...


life
this relationship
working
trusting others
marriage
trying again
moving
moving on
cleaning up
saying goodbye
child-rearing
letting go
divorce
single parenting
holidays with/without the extended fam
working out
kicking a habit
eating healthy 
transition
empty nest
love
sickness
death
being your best self

Fill in the blank and then stop pretending.  Because in this case, pretending is synonymous with lying to yourself and we all know that lying to yourself is NEVER a good thing. 

Life is hard sometimes because it is a battle.  

Oh yes, there are moments of reprieve: time to reflect and take in all the beauty and splendor. Yet there are undeniable times of disappointment or momentary paralysis.  In those difficult moments, it is important to say (admit!) to a loved one or trusted friend that this situation "is hard" or things are "rough right now."  Sometimes we just need to say it so we can hear that loved one or trusted friend say, "I can imagine" or "I understand" ... or perhaps they'll sit with us, hug us, pray for us, talk us off the ledge or simply hold our hand.  

Sometimes we need to hear "I know it's tough, BUT YOU CAN DO IT."

Sometimes it's hard and then it gets hardER before it gets easy.  

Just keep pressing on, my friend.  Change is coming.  The struggle is inevitable, but change is too.  So is triumph and it is in your blood to battle and emerge victoriously.  

Quit pretending like it's not hard sometimes though.  Everything is easy = Lie.

Life is gloriously brutal, breathtakingly beautiful, worth doing.

Fight hard for faith, family, friendship, hopes, dreams and love.

These things are all worthwhile.

Let's just make sure we love, support and encourage each other along the way.  

We will come through it if we are willing to press on rather than pretend.  

I ain't lookin like no slapper

I just had to share this interview because it was doubly refreshing to hear true wisdom and common sense coming from such a young and undeniably talented lady.  Generally speaking, I found her comments to be authentic, encouraging and inspiring.  I am sharing this in the hope that something she says is beneficial to you too.  Personally speaking (as a singer who also has no desire to crawl across a stage buck-naked or pseudo-buck-naked), I am grateful for her courage and boldness because (whether she realizes it or not) she is pioneering.   

"Exploiting yourself sexually is not a good look." <----- THAT is my favorite thing she said.  

Usually, it's Adele's vocals that dominate conversation about the British singer. But the 23-year-old's physique became Topic A when Karl Lagerfeld told Metro newspaper: "She is a little too fat." The comment sparked outrage and an apology from Lagerfeld.  "With high-profile critics like this, how does Adele herself feel about her figure? When Anderson Cooper recently interviewed the star for a "60 Minutes" profile, Adele said she rarely thinks about her body image and feels no pressure to be a "skinny-mini" or wear revealing, hyper-sexual clothing.  "Even if I did have, you know, a 'Sports Illustrated' body, I'd still wear elegant clothes," she said. "I ain't lookin' like no 'slapper' (slang for a promiscuous woman)."   -excerpt from CBS NEWS  

THIS: I ain't looking like no slapper...

has become my favourite* phrase.  

Don't you be looking like no slappa' either! OK?

XOXO ♥ Sharita

*for Adele and Brits everywhere ;D

perspective

Since love is all about perspective, be willing to change your view from time to time.  
Find beauty in what appears mundane at first glance.  
See the sacred in the seemingly ordinary.  
Open your eyes to the good life.  
Your good life.  
Your life that is FULL of blessings, promise and hope.   

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"Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, "You owe me."  Look what happens with a love like that.  It lights the whole sky."  -Hafez, 14th century poet

Change your perspective...
Happy Valentine's Day!  

You are loved.  

XOXO 

in memory of joscwar

me, Joscwar and Gregor 

Today my youngest brother died.  

He was the most kind-hearted, content and genuinely accepting person I know.  I'm not just saying that because he's dead either.  You know how people tend to wax nostalgic and say all manner of un-truth after a person is dead?  Well, that ain't the case here.  Just keepin' it real even in the midst of grief!  

Joshua was 24 years old.  Still a baby in my mind.  You see this post is titled "in memory of joscwar" because we (me and my siblings) always had nicknames for each other.  Each of us had several nicknames and for some reason, Joscwar (pronounced "joe-swar") is what stuck for Josh.  I referred to him as Joscwar when he answered the phone during our talk last week.  He was doing so well.  Working a great job downtown, living on his own, paying his bills, saving money, driving (which was a huge deal because he had seizures throughout his life) and maturing.  When we talked last week, I was so happy for him.  So proud of him.  I remember asking him about his apartment and whether or not he was happy with the area he chose.  He told me that it was a great choice and elaborated on safety features, mature neighbors and little to no foolywank.  Joscwar told me that he was glad he chose this location verses another more popular area for people his age.  I told him that he was so wise for his age.  He was an old soul.  As a toddler he wore suits (by choice!), carried his bible and talked to everyone we came across.  I ain't jokin!  Back in the day when young men bagged your groceries and took them out to your car, he'd talk their ear off!  He was the best listener, slow to speak and always encouraging and uplifting others.  He loved to make us laugh.  And didn't mind looking silly in the process.  He valued family, friends and peace.  

My other brother Darryl (remember that from Newhart?) nicknamed Gregor found Josh today.  Did I mention that today is Gregor's birthday?  Yeah... file that under things that break my heart.  But then I remember that brokenness and hope live in the same room... because they hold hands.  I wrote that post back in October when I found out that I was no longer pregnant.  The same shock that I felt then, I feel today; however, the shock and pain about the miscarriage (I dislike that word but can think of no other synonym!) hurts less today.  So I know this pain won't last forever.  I know Josh is happy, safe and complete in a way that defies description.  I know I will see him again one day.  The fact that he was secure in his faith and had a strong relationship with the Lord gives me much peace.  The passage of scripture I cling to in the face of death is 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18.  It is my reminder that there is hope.  Always.    

Foolywank Friday: Last Week

Jury Duty


The death of three young adults.  Very young adults... like 18 years old.  Felt and still feels so swift and untimely... My heart literally aches for their friends and family.


Paper trails and red tape of the insurance process.  How someone can have insurance, need an emergency surgery and yet be waiting in the hospital for treatment is absolutely asinine.  


Watching a couple walk through a hellish, real-life nightmare within the legal system.  Tough, bizarre and surreal, especially when I think of the numerous chronic offenders who traipse in and out of the justice system.  


Did I say jury duty, already?


Many times last week it felt like I was seeing life through a dark and cloudy glass.  I kept rubbing the window pane trying to create a clear spot for viewing however my visibility remained somewhat obscured.  I continued moving forward.  Slowly.  When it's foggy, you have to travel like that despite your hopes, aspirations and plans.  Keep moving forward even at tortoise pace.  Even when things are not turning out the way I wanted them to and especially when I have to do things that I don't want to do. I am reminded that Growing Up...  Maturity is a continual process.  Last week drained me.  I felt mentally, physically and emotionally tired.  Thus the foolywank.  Not the issues and incidents that happened but my response? Foolywank.  So after I throw a fit or two or three, I finally land on these facts: 


During the times I cannot make clear, direct meaning or really grasp the greater purpose of all that is going on, I cry and cling Hope.  I am Broken and Hopeful all at the same time.  Broken because I am physically unable to alter or fix anything that is going on.  Hopeful because I know who can. And in the event that He does not work things out to my specifications, I am Hopeful still because I know He is good and that ultimately (somehow, someway... EVEN THOUGH I CAN'T SEE THROUGH THE CLOUDY WINDOW PANE) things will work out for good.  So I invite my brokenness in, have a real good cry and then cloak my brokenness in Hope.  Hope that things won't always be Broken.  I actually heard an amazing and uplifting message on this divine paradox just the other day.  Click here if you'd like to hear/view a video of the message.


As I type this Foolywank Friday post, a few lessons start to emerge:


I cannot get mad at God for what others do with the gift of free will.    


Being grateful (for what I do have/did have ...for how ever long I have/had it) is key.  


Jury duty made me especially grateful for my daily gig, way of life and many blessings.  (Soon-ish, I will write a post about my final day of jury duty because it was really sweet.)


Hold on to Hope.  Hold on to Hope.  Hold on to Hope.  Never let go. 


Trust Him and Surrender to His Process   


So, in light of our weeks that look like pure, unadulterated foolywank, let's cling to Hope, shall we?  The Hope that one day what is now cloudy will become crystal clear.  


p.s. On a non-Foolywank Friday note, last night I got to see the screening of an AWESOME, INSPIRING, and FAMILY FRIENDLY movie, Courageous.  My sweet friend, Vanessa hooked me up with tickets.  Thanks again, Vanes!  :D ... The movie made me think, laugh and cry.  Yet I left uplifted.  The movie is good.  So good that I will pay to go see it again this weekend.  Click here for more information about the movie Courageous



Love and Hugs!!!

forgiveness

photograph courtesy of Jadyn Noelle Photography

"Forgiveness means giving up the hope that the past could have been any different."  

A good friend posted this quote on Facebook the other day and it totally resonated with me.  It was a timely reminder to forgive and let go of wishing that the other person would have:

cared

understood

listened

been honest 

appreciated my honesty

acted mature

respected my boundaries

included me

been nice

brought their beef with me to me

stopped criticizing

quit lying, manipulating and attempting to control me

been sincere

accepted me

and the list could go on and on...

It was also a timely reminder to forgive myself for: 

    

trying my best but still not getting it quite right

talking too much

exposing my heart to people who were not safe

trying to be whatever he/she wanted me to be

making the same mistake over and over 

again the list could go on and on, but you get the gist...

So today I am making a Public Service Announcement: 

It is time.  Time to forgive everyone else and yourself.  For everything.  

Today may you walk in the power and freedom of forgiveness. 

Throwback Thursday: Remember when you were going to change the world?

Today I had the awesome pleasure of having lunch with a longtime friend who is truly a kindred spirit.  Although we hadn't seen each other face to face in several years, we share a deep connection that was forged and developed during a very special season in life.  This type of connection can never fade for it transcends all we know and converges at the very depths of who we are as individuals.  I was SO happy to see her again.  I was excited and I was expecting a time of truthful, inspiring and dynamic interaction...  cause that's how we roll.  She still looks EXACTLY the way I remember her...  lovely and radiant on the outside and within.  What I adore most about this meeting is our time of encouragement and fellowship.  We discover that our journeys are parallel in a variety of ways and really, this is no surprise.  We have been through the fire... gone to hell and back and here we are... still standing with a steady and deep resolve to live a life overflowing with joy, hope and authentic purpose. Deep calls unto deep as memories, declarations and reminders of sacred callings, hopes and dreams flood the surface.  Time feels suspended as I remember when... 
May you too be reminded of the hopes, callings and dreams of long ago for today is the due date of yesteryear.