in memory of joscwar

me, Joscwar and Gregor 

Today my youngest brother died.  

He was the most kind-hearted, content and genuinely accepting person I know.  I'm not just saying that because he's dead either.  You know how people tend to wax nostalgic and say all manner of un-truth after a person is dead?  Well, that ain't the case here.  Just keepin' it real even in the midst of grief!  

Joshua was 24 years old.  Still a baby in my mind.  You see this post is titled "in memory of joscwar" because we (me and my siblings) always had nicknames for each other.  Each of us had several nicknames and for some reason, Joscwar (pronounced "joe-swar") is what stuck for Josh.  I referred to him as Joscwar when he answered the phone during our talk last week.  He was doing so well.  Working a great job downtown, living on his own, paying his bills, saving money, driving (which was a huge deal because he had seizures throughout his life) and maturing.  When we talked last week, I was so happy for him.  So proud of him.  I remember asking him about his apartment and whether or not he was happy with the area he chose.  He told me that it was a great choice and elaborated on safety features, mature neighbors and little to no foolywank.  Joscwar told me that he was glad he chose this location verses another more popular area for people his age.  I told him that he was so wise for his age.  He was an old soul.  As a toddler he wore suits (by choice!), carried his bible and talked to everyone we came across.  I ain't jokin!  Back in the day when young men bagged your groceries and took them out to your car, he'd talk their ear off!  He was the best listener, slow to speak and always encouraging and uplifting others.  He loved to make us laugh.  And didn't mind looking silly in the process.  He valued family, friends and peace.  

My other brother Darryl (remember that from Newhart?) nicknamed Gregor found Josh today.  Did I mention that today is Gregor's birthday?  Yeah... file that under things that break my heart.  But then I remember that brokenness and hope live in the same room... because they hold hands.  I wrote that post back in October when I found out that I was no longer pregnant.  The same shock that I felt then, I feel today; however, the shock and pain about the miscarriage (I dislike that word but can think of no other synonym!) hurts less today.  So I know this pain won't last forever.  I know Josh is happy, safe and complete in a way that defies description.  I know I will see him again one day.  The fact that he was secure in his faith and had a strong relationship with the Lord gives me much peace.  The passage of scripture I cling to in the face of death is 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18.  It is my reminder that there is hope.  Always.    

goodbye, dakota bread

It is with much sadness and great displeasure that I announce the closing of my favorite local bakery, Great Harvest Bread.  *uncontrollable crying* 

*said between sobs* I don't even know when this happened!

Please forgive me for losing it.  *blows nose followed by a sniff sniff *

I am so sad about this that I can hardly keep my composure. 

This hurts me to my core.  You see, they made the only bread that I like.  

*another bout of uncontrollable crying*

You see I am down to maybe 5 slices now.  Earlier today I decided to ride out to get a loaf of bread, but I could not remember the store hours.  So I decided to check their hours online and double check their online baking schedule (to make sure my beloved Dakota bread would be there today).  I could not find their website, which I thought was weird, so I looked up their phone number, dialed it and got the infamous the number you have dialed is not in service recording.  

The horror, I thought, Great Harvest did not get to pay their phone bill.  

I had not been to the bakery in a good little while because my freezer stash was chock full.  Now that my supply was bout scarce, it was time to roll out.  Down the highway I went, excited about seeing the smiling faces at the bakery and purchasing my precious Dakota bread.  When I pulled up to the bakery, I got that somethin's not right feeling, but I ignored it and put my car in park.  That's when I noticed the neon sign was not lit.  Dangit! They've already closed for the day, I thought.  Lemme go see their store hours so I know when to come back for my precious. 

I hopped out, traipsed over to the door and that's when I saw the sign taped to the window.  

Gosh, yall, this is too traumatic! I can hardly stand to repeat it.  *places hand to head*

Give me a minute, please.  *places hand over mouth and stares off into the distance*

*loud sigh*

There was a sign taped to the window from the inside of the store that read: 

"Starting Sept 5 we will be on vacation for two weeks."

I stood there like a child who had lost a puppy or dropped a freshly purchased ice cream cone.  I was happy they were on vacation and all, but couldn't help thinking how in the heck are 5 slices of bread gonna last me two weeks?!?!?  To make matters even more complicated, someone had taped a sign to the outside of the window that read: 

"We are closed." 

Someone had also handwritten on the sign:

"We went bankrupt."  

"Is that true?"

"Yes."  

*another loud sigh*

What the hell is going on, I thought.  

I pressed my face into the glass, shielded my eyes with my right hand and glanced all around the store.  No sign of life.  No ingredients.  No breads.  No power brownies.  No menu written on the chalkboard.  No nothing. 

I slowly walked back to my car and plopped down into the driver's seat.  That's when I remembered it's almost November so they are not on vacation but indeed closed.  I felt too numb to cry so I started my car and drove home on auto-pilot. 

I have no recollection of the drive home.  

If you are anywhere near a Great Harvest Bakery, please go and have a slice of Dakota Bread ASAP.  They will let you try it for free and I guarantee that after one bite, you will buy a loaf.  

See you at the crossroads, Dakota Bread.  Please give Saint Peter a shout out from me.  I don't have any liquor here, but if I did, I sure would go pour some out on my curb.  

*singing like Boys II Men* It's so hard to say goodbye to Dakota Bread.

Ode to Dakota:

You are so light and fluffy with just the right amount of crunch.  Your flavor is delightful.  I savor every bite.  Now that the nearest loaf is so far across state lines, I don't know what to do.  When the 5 slices are gone, I will contemplate a very long drive to see you and bite you and chew you again because no other carb will do.  Dakota, it's always been you.  

and now a haiku:

I will miss you so

Nutty texture flavorful

Breakfast is a bust

Look at her.  Isn't she lovely?  You are the sunshine of my life, Dakota Bread.  Breakfast just won't be the same without you.  Jesus, take the wheel!!! *uncontrollable crying*

                                                                                                                         

image credit

On Waxing Nostalgic

I'm in a sentimental mood.  Many young people I know are venturing off to college starting tomorrow.  It is such a beautiful thing that makes me laugh, cry and contemplate rolling up into the fetal position in that corner over there... all at the same time.  The time passes so slowly and yet so quickly all at the same time, which makes no sense. How can something pass slowly and quickly simultaneously?  I don't know, folks.  That's just the way time rolls, I guess.  


Nevertheless, I am so proud of these young whipper-snapper world changers because they've  worked so hard to get here and I know that their future is bright and powerful like lightning.  These parents who are so brave inspire me as they launch their arrows into the bright blue sky and boldly move forward to embrace the next chapter and season of life.  Change is a lovely and beautifully awkward experience, isn't it?


My awesome auntie says, "Senior year is the long goodbye."  


This post goes out to all of you who have said or are in the process of saying the long goodbye.  My heart is right there with ya and to take the melodrama over the top, I want to share a lovely site with you that brilliantly captures the reality of change through the perspective of photography then and now.  It's a really beautiful and amazing site called dearphotograph.com.  It is a bit of a tearjerker so don't say I didn't warn ya...  Click on the link if you dare...  




I love you all dearly.