from blah to beautiful in a day

You know those days when you feel like blah for no reason?  Except there are reasons?  This sort of day happened to me recently. I was missing my family like cray.  I'm still in transition so everyday feels like I'm a tester for roller coasters, and people are showing me who they are and for better or worse, I am believing them. I've recently realized and accepted the fact that sometimes our hearts intertwine and stay that way forever just because. Other times, we fully face and seek to embrace the reality that shelf lives, seasons, and expiration dates are for real. Another reason that propelled me into blah-dom: In the same night, I experienced euphoric heights of love and connection with my tribe, and then somehow crash landed into a desolate island where foolishness had gone to seed and taken root. The juxtaposition was a jarring yet poignant reminder of what I choose to embrace and that which I can entertain no longer...

All of these feelings were a cocktail of contrasting emotions.  Sitting on top of my own turbulent heart sensations were the tough situations of folks I love and adore.  It was all too much and I woke up with a sense of drowning in overwhelm. Flying down the highway I said a whine of a prayer that went something like this: Please help.  Everything feels so harsh right now.  Like it's all too much and I am not feeling the love. The very thing I thought would heal me has brought me undone. It feels like I cannot sense love and beauty anymore.  Open my eyes and help me see.  Help, help, help. 

I floundered and felt bottomed out emotionally for a few hours, but I kept pushing through--on the verge of tears--taking one step at a time.  A phone call from my favorite uncle was the first sign.  His call was the lifter of my head.   We talked for hours and it was food to my soul. Food.  To my soul, yall.  Monarch butterflies were the next omen.  All day, everywhere I went, they fluttered nearby and made my heart leap.  Their orange wings brought me hope for the present moment.  Even Neighbor was involved without knowing.  She rounded out the trifecta when she so lovingly ran an errand for me.  I didn't ask or expect her to yet she *always* does things like this for me; however, on this particular day, she delivered a loving message from the librarian. Her exact words that echoed in my heart: You are loved by even librarians. 

God's answer was undeniable: See the beauty and feel the love because it is SO there.  

Earth Angels are real yall! 

The day could have ended right there for me because I truly received the message and my heart was full; however, "my cup runneth over" when my doorbell rang and a true Earth Angel was standing on my porch with the most glorious bouquet I have EVER seen. Blow me away, sweet Baby Jesus.  We talked, took a ride together, and then talked some more.  Just being with Earth Angel undid the crash landing, unraveled the overwhelm, and healed another little piece of my heart.  Friends, there is hope for the present moment.  May you see the beauty and feel the love.  May your overwhelm come undone and your heart receive sweet healing.  If you need a sign, just ask. Surely it will come (tweet it).

   

transitions

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Anybody other than me going through some major transitions and changes right now? Lord, I sure do hope I ain't the only one. While I welcome change and transition like I would welcome a beloved, lifelong friend, somehow I always seem to forget how difficult periods of alteration can be.  So as I sit smack dab in the middle-- well, hopefully, more like three quarters of the way into this leg of my life journey, I can see how I've grown and matured in some ways.  I've learned to take things like this in stride a bit better than before. I've always known and chosen to believe that no matter what happens, I am going to be alright. Nevertheless, there is still a small part of me that wants to throw a tantrum, pout it out, then sit down and have a real good cry.  Why? Because everything feels so raw.  I feel extremely vulnerable and fragile because I have no idea about the ultimate plan and the unfolding timeline of events.  I've done all I can, and now, I must trust the process.  And wait.  It feels like I'm standing in a corridor.  Just standing.  Out here.  Unable to go into a room yet.  You know, just hanging out in the hallway.  It's dark and it's awkward because I can hear the buzz of activity going on behind the doors that are around me-- even though I'm not currently immersed in any of those worlds.  I'm waiting for the light to come on, for a door to fly open so that I can walk in dancing. I've done all I know to do, so now I'm waiting: Learning patience.  Resting: Learning more about Self Care.  Playing: Learning what Play looks like to me now in this stage of Life.  Keeping my friends close and letting the drama and its minstrels fade into oblivion.  Even though it feels uncomfortable, I know I am in a really good space.  Transition seems hardest when I'm trying to look cool, calm, and in control of the ride; however, when I let go of my perceived route and just roll with the reoccurring recalculations of the GPS, then (and only then) does the light turn on in the hallway.  And in that illuminated moment, I realize that I've got this.  And by this, I mean that I can jam, dance, laugh, and sing because my only job right now is to rock out in the hallway, and then keep the party going when the right door swings open.